The New White House Whopperist

by Joe Keck

A while back, UN Ambassador Susan Rice withdrew her name for Secretary of State in the Obama administration.

Who then is going to be our next State deceptionist?

Someone has to protect us from that oh so dangerous thing, The Truth.

unfit_for_commandAnd since Ms. Rice wasn’t’ very skillful with, shall we say the art of, ‘Accuracy adjustment,’ John Kerry clearly would be a better fit for the job. In defense of the senator’s shell-shuffling abilities, may I recall his dour-faced declaration in the Congressional Record of March 27th, 1986 (S3594)?

“. . . I remember Christmas of 1968, sitting on a gunboat in Cambodia. I remember what it was like to be shot at by the Vietnamese, Khmer Rouge and Cambodians, and I heard the President of the United States [Richard Nixon] telling the American people I was not there, that our troops were not in Cambodia.

I have that memory which is seared into my brain, that says to me, before we send another generation into harm’s way, we have a responsibility in the United States Senate to go the last step, to make the best effort possible in order to avoid that kind of conflict.”

On December 25, 1968, Lyndon Johnson was still President of the United States, not Richard Nixon. Nixon wouldn’t be sworn into office until January 20, 1969.

And Kerry couldn’t have been “in” Cambodia at that stage of the war. His two adoring crewmates, Michael Medeiros and James Wassel, being on Kerry’s boat have disputed that claim.

Also, in December 1968, no U.S. Navy patrol craft would be ordered or authorized to penetrate Cambodian waters.

And about being fired at by the “Khmer Rouge,” led by Khieu Samphan? That fighting force wasn’t even formed at the time Kerry was referencing. The Khmer Rouge came about after the American CIA engineered the overthrow of Prince Sihanouk in 1970.

As we can see, Kerry is, without a doubt, an excellent choice.

Susan Rice is a mere amateur by comparison.

But I think that perhaps the current White House’s Honest Abe may be overlooking many a fine candidates for such an important position.

Jay Carney! Yes, perfect. Unfortunately, he’s far too valuable in his present role as Press Secretary. Let’s face it. Nobody can dump out a bucket of words nowhere near the vicinity of the question asked.

No, we need him where he is.

Joe Biden would be great in the role, but Carney has far too much on his plate as it is. Poor Jay would explode at the podium if he had to manage any more of Biden’s articulatory antics.

Besides, Jumblin’ Joe would probably decline the role of Secretary of State with an admission that his typing isn’t up to the task.

Nancy Pelosi would be a good choice if it weren’t for the fact that she would need her own falsehoods explained to her. Slowly.

How about George Stephenopolous? He’d be good. Who can forget his vehement and tenacious defense of Bill Clinton’s dalliances with a young female intern just outside the Oval Office? They’d have to get him a high chair for the Presidential banquets, but he does turn a fine tale when necessary. However, Michelle would have to constantly watch out for him in order to keep Sasha and Malia from picking on him.

Probably not.

A friend of mine made the suggestion of that screaming toe-headed Hardball guy, Chris Matthews, but I pointed out to him Chris is already the official White House concubine, and they rarely do well outside the harem.

As we can see, luckily for the President, there’s a whole host of candidates out there available to him, from Senators and Congressmen to news anchors and journalists.

Regardless of his final selection, I’m sure Barack Obama is more than capable of training his Official Shell-shuffler for any deflection, deception, falsehood or fabrication. After all, from Chicago’s senate floor, to the U.S. Senate floor, to the Oval Office, he’s had years of experience in the fine art of flimflaminizational flair.

Sleep well, America, you’re in capable hands.


About the Author

Joe Keck is a writer of horror, thriller, suspense, and other fiction, some poetry and music, with the occasional op-ed piece on current events, politics, and theology. Although born in Oklahoma, he was taken to Los Angeles when he was an infant, or as his mother described, "the ugliest little thing I've ever seen", and raised there on the West Coast. He considers himself to be far superior to most on the artistic merits of film and literature, seeing the vast majority of such to be well below adequate. He has four novels and many short stories to his credit, and hopes to one day have them published, promising to hold critics like himself in harsh derision. He's currently restoring a Jason 35 sailboat and plans to sail the world, writing horror stories, and marveling at the illustrative works of the Creator and His Divine story-telling imagery. You may Find Joe's Website at

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