Today, with a precarious economy, rising gas prices and three wars under way, the President of the United States of America held a press conference to announce the release of his original birth certificate, to prove that he is eligible to hold his office and quell a controversy fomented by a reality-show judge who by some polls is the leading candidate to oppose him in the 2012 election.
The release of the certificate—shockingly!—revealed that Barack Obama was born in Hawaii, in 1961, as a human baby. It, and the subsequent press conference, drew saturation coverage from cable news. But not before Apprentice boss Donald Trump held a press conference in New Hampshire on the appearance of the birth certificate he declared “missing” on Anderson Cooper, um, two days ago. His humbled response: You’re welcome, America!
Trump’s remarks literally began, “I am very proud of myself.” Because of course he is. Because who wouldn’t be proud to have cynically embraced a toxic nutjob theory, on the basis of no good evidence, questioning the President’s legitimacy, then having his suspicions shown to be an Al Capone’s vault? Who wouldn’t be proud to have turned himself from a national punchline into a national punchline with a shot at a Presidential nomination, through sheer, up-by-the-bootstraps pandering to Internet conspiracists? That takes talent, folks!